I Guess I’ll Go First

I wish I could have kept my old heart.

That’s probably not something that you hear a lot of transplant patients say..maybe because they don’t feel that way or maybe they think it and are too afraid to say it out loud. I don’t know, but either way – I’m someone who wishes I could have kept my old heart and not because it was sick – but because it was mine. So I guess I’d say I wish I could have kept my old heart – if it didn’t want to kill me.

Five years ago, I got my second chance at life on September 27th 2020, at 4:14pm. Five weeks prior to that day, Josiah and I got married. We had a 12 week old golden retriever puppy. Josiah left his full time job. We had just moved to Boulder, Colorado. We didn’t have a church or community to be apart of. (it was 2020) Needless to say, there was a lot going on in our lives at the time (if you want to hear more about this time in our lives, we talked about it on the podcast – you can listen here)

Five years ago, I agreed to let the doctors take out the only heart I ever knew and let them replace it with a new one that would require some getting use to for quite some time – on every level. Physically. Mentally. and Spiritually.

Life now, five years later – looks drastically different than it did in the beginning, I mean thats a good thing don’t get me wrong…because so much growth has happened, but it hasn’t been by accident. Who I am today is not because I just “ended up” this way by luck. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, from the inside out. There are still things I struggle with that I’m working towards healing in, however – for where I was and where I am now – I’m really proud of myself. I think that’s a really important part to note as you look back on your journey which is what this transplant post is about really.

Looking Back to Move Ahead.

I’m so thankful for how far I have come in this journey of healing my heart. The thing about getting a new heart is that there’s not a whole lot of information out there (from patients who have experienced it at a young age) I did my fair share of scouring the internet back in 2020. I didn’t find much and it honestly made me really sad because it made me feel that much more alone in an already pretty lonely place.. Being 27 years old, needing a new heart isn’t normal by any means…however neither is just needing a new heart in general. For me, it’s become the norm because it is my reality – and a lot of my families. My uncles, cousins, newphews, brother, mom and soon to be sister will have had a transplant.

However, I was the first woman in my family to receive a heart transplant. My uncles and brother have since passed. My nephews and cousins – I’m not that close with. My mom didn’t get a new heart until after I did and now looking back on it – it seems pretty fitting, being the first woman in my family to get a new heart.

I’ve always had a knowing that I would be the one to “go first” in my family, to do things differently. To break generational curses, to change the way I operated in life and I think God allowed my heart to give out on me so early on in life because He knew I would be willing to do it. He knew I would need to “go first” in more than just the physical healing. My doctor called me with my new heart at 4:14pm which immediately Esther 4:14 came to my mind when I saw that time stamp and I don’t believe thats a coincidence.

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. – Esther 4:14

Getting a new heart was about so much more than just getting a new heart. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense right now, but I promise I’ll spend some time trying to unpack it on this blog. One thing I’m sure of – God is always thinking 2 steps ahead and He’s never late. I hope you’ll start to believe that if you don’t right now. Sure life can get really messy and painful, but God has a plan and He’s not going to leave you.

that’s all for now.

Ok bye…I love you!!
(But Jesus does even more.)