The Start of IVF

“The hardest part is starting,” to be honest, I’m not sure I agree with that. For me, it’s easy to start things, it’s exciting. It’s the continuation of that thing that’s difficult for me.

IVF has been no different.

I really found myself wanting to start writing again like this after our first IVF consult appointment back in April. I guess I should start this out by explaining why we are doing IVF in the first place. Ever since I can remember, I always thought that if there was ever a way to not pass down the genetic condition that I have – I would do it. Basically, there’s a 50/50 chance that our baby would end up with the gene mutation and because science and God exist… I don’t have to take that chance.

I am so thankful for the chance to even be able to have the access to this kind of treatment. I don’t take it lightly at all knowing that it’s a huge commitment financially, emotionally, and physically and not everyone can. I understand that and my heart aches for those who are struggling with infertility…I never imagined this is the way that I would become a mom, but neither does anyone else who has walked this path before me. I think the thing that just hurts the most is that I wish I could change my DNA and not have to go through this whole process. I watch friends and women from afar who naturally get pregnant and there’s a part of my heart that aches a little bit longer than I’d like to admit.

So anyway, when it comes to these IVF posts – I’m not quite sure what they will look like. Maybe a little bit of what I wish I could read right now as someone who is new to this world. I’ve been a little Pinterest happy lately, or sad you could say and there’s SO much information out there. Good and bad. That’s the thing about an experience like this, you truly cannot compare yourself to anyone else’s.’ I knew this when it came to my heart transplant so I’m trying my absolute best to walk that out now as well. (I.e. stay off the pinterest/instagram negative blogs)

Back in April when we walked into the doctor’s office we were full of a lot of excitement. and hope. It was strange though because as we were sitting in the waiting room, looking around at all the other couples and women waiting along side us – I couldn’t help but think how many times had they been waiting in this room? Where are they in the process? Are the hopeful? Are they tired? I’m bound to get tired. I’m bound to not be excited because the overwhelm will hit me – but when will it? How could it? I felt so good sitting there full of a lot of hope, but aware that it wouldn’t always be my reality. And not in a bad way, just in a sobering way. Like the people sitting next to me probably once sat here too and felt similar to how we were.

After we left our consult that morning, the excitement was at an all time high all week. It was hard for it not to be, but after a weeks time – they finally sent over all the information on literally everything that needed to be done, future decisions we needed to make sure we were 100% on, and I took one look at it on my phone and turned it off. My brain went 0 to 100 and I immediately felt sick and anxious and exhausted and sad all at once. I didn’t want to do it anymore. Just like that. Not even 7 days after the FIRST of MANY appointments, I wanted to quit. I even contemplated it for a hot second, maybe I’m not suppose to be a mom? maybe I’ll just be a forever golden retriever dog mom. Even though I knew full well that God has made me to be a mom and it’s something I want so deeply. However, in that moment – I didn’t want to keep going, which is why when people say “the hardest part is starting,” to be honest, I’m not sure I agree with that. For me, it’s easy to start things, it’s exciting. It’s the continuation of that thing when it gets hard and overwhelming, that’s really difficult for me. And this part of IVF had been no different.

There’s a lot that has happened in the last 2 months from that initial consult appointment, God gave me so much peace and we made some big decisions which I plan on writing about soon. That’s it for now.

Again, I’m not sure the exact details I’m going to be sharing in regards to this process. This is one of the topics on the blog where it’s happening in real time.. So I think much like this post, I’ll feel it out as I write it out. If there is anything that you’d be interested in knowing specifically, by all means please let me know. For now, I think this is where I’ll leave this post. We have a long, winding, unknown road ahead of us with this process and while we have no idea what is going to happen, we do know that God is never going to leave us as we walk it just like He didn’t with my heart.

Ok bye…I love you!!
(But Jesus does even more.)